On Snowboarding Forever

Pulling the curtain off commitment (and the lack thereof) in a modern-day ski town.

It goes without saying that snowboarding is a seasonal sport. In a ski town, that means one’s relationship status is equally subject to change.

One minute you’re wrapped in the throes of lust, bagging goggle-tanned chicks or powder bros through a Tinder binge session only to punt them out of bed at first light (if not sooner, because “I need to get up early for work”). But once the snow melts and people head back to the “real world,” one might think Jackson’s dating pool empties and tumbleweeds roll through the Town Square.

And one would be wrong.

With each seasonal shift, a whole new batch of 90-day-wonders fill the void. For a culture that’s obsessed with hidden hot springs and insider info, the complete lack of emotional commitment and overabundance of ready and willing one night stands remain the ultimate secret of the Modern Day Ski Town™.

This concept of seasonal shifts, “no girlfriends on powder days,” Rainier tall boys, and bluegrass nights is the backbone of my I Can Ski Forever theatre trilogy, comprised of two sketch comedy shows and one full-length original musical, all of which premiered in Jackson. After all, growing up in Jackson afforded me a front row seat to the often comical and wholly frustrating world of dating during ski season. We’ve got I Can Ski Forever 4 in the works – back it on Kickstarter today!

The musical—the only show of the three with a plot—followed the exploits of Ben, a fresh-from-Georgia transplant seeking meaning and purpose among Jackson locals. He falls for a barista named Kelly, who has almost given up on Jackson before she finds love and builds a new life with Ben.

Over the course of two acts, we experience two winters in Jackson and watch Kelly and Ben’s relationship evolve, and ultimately crumble—another tragedy of the transient lifestyle. A series of satirical side-plots take place in the meantime; a group of rich cougars pooling their exorbitant wealth to solve Jackson’s housing crisis (spoiler: they fail); a musician cheating on his girlfriend from one band with a girl from his other band; a premiere of the newest “Big White Mountain Productions” snowboard film White Powder, etc.

The show is available on YouTube, but the two preceding shows, featuring random sketches and vignettes, have all but disappeared from the public arena. Here in this issue, we feature (for the first time in print) “Summer Bro, Winter Bro”—a sketch that debuted in the first I Can Ski Forever in 2014. Perhaps for its relatability, the sketch became an audience favorite, appearing again in the 2015 sequel I 2 Can Ski Forever.

Illustration: Ryan Dee

A GIRL steps out onto stage. Throughout the sketch she delivers all of her lines to the audience.

GIRL: It’s been really fun living in Jackson so far. There’s so much to do and it’s super beautiful. I have some great friends and I meet new people every day. And the dating scene has been extremely plentiful and quite diverse. Don’t believe me? This was my winter boyfriend Chad.

CHAD enters, wearing full snowboarding gear.

CHAD: S’up.

GIRL: Chad was super nice and so laid back. He always had a great story to tell.

CHAD: The mountain was pretty sick today. Just fuckin’…shreddin’ it up on Bridger. Hit up the stash park for a bit. Got a beer.

GIRL: That’s awesome.

CHAD: Totes.

GIRL: And on the completely opposite end of the spectrum, I met Todd in the summer of 2012.

TODD enters, wearing shorts, sunglasses and a trucker cap.

TODD: Yo.

Illustration: Ryan Dee

GIRL: Todd was so outdoorsy and was always taking my dog hiking with him. Sometimes he even took me.

TODD: Did you go on the river today? Epic. I was on the river all day. That’s why I’m so tan. It’s weird, you were on the river? How did I not see you? I was on the river all day long.

GIRL: I finally felt like I was playing the field. It was like I didn’t have a type anymore, and just any guy was good enough for me. What was nice is that I didn’t have to force them to be active. They were always so busy.

CHAD: Hey. Yeah, we’re gonna hit up Teton Pass tomorrow so I don’t know if we’ll make it back in time. Can’t pass up on some gnarly pow, know what I’m sayin’? Haha, yeah…

TODD: Hey. Yeah, we’re heading up Granite Canyon tomorrow, so I don’t know if we’ll make it back in time. Can’t pass up a bluebird day, am I right? Haha, so epic…

GIRL: It’s just really refreshing when your interests fall in line with someone and things just gel. We had so much in common. Like our favorite beers…

TODD: What kinda Belgian style IPAs you got on draft?

CHAD: Sick, “Peeber” Tall Boys are three bucks here.

GIRL: Our taste in restaurants…

TODD: I think the deck at the Brew Pub is opening soon…

CHAD: Have you ever noticed that the only thing that makes it a Slice of the Day is the bell peppers?

GIRL: Even our taste in music…

TODD: Michael Franti just writes good music, you know?

CHAD: Did you catch Yonder at the Garter last month? So sick.

GIRL: Ultimately, it’s just nice to know that no matter the season, there’s always going to be a fresh batch of completely original men to choose from.

CHAD and TODD step forward. They speak the following dialogue together.

CHAD & TODD: I just think that in life it’s really important to have a passion, and I have that passion. I feel like I’m not like those other guys who just waste their life away, you know? I have a purpose. Plus, I’m still in my twenties. I might as well just hit it hard now and figure it out later. Haha. For sure.

BLACKOUT

Andrew Munz is the best skier on this mountain.

@munzofsteel

Andy has a brand new show in the works: I Can Ski Forever 4 and it’s being funded through a Kickstarter campaign that ends on Sunday, February 17, 2019. Click the button below to check out the project and the rewards, which include pre-sale tickets and an I Can Ski Forever book!

 

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